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Cat River Daze/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: I don't know about these new Archie comics. Jughead's eating veggie burgers to lower his cholesterol. Lacey Burrows: Yeah, you kind of remind me of Jughead. Hank: I'm nothing like Jughead. Well, I wouldn't wear that crown thing he's wearing. Davis Quinton: Who would I be? Big Moose? Hank: Dilton Doiley. And Lacey would be "Pops" because she runs the soda shop. Lacey: Hardly. Come on, I'm like a combination of Veronica's uptown sophistication and Betty's down home goodness. Hank: So, you'd be like, Betonica. That'd be hot. And who would Brent be? Davis: Potsie. Lacey: That's "Happy Days." Hank: Yeah, it's a completely different comic book. Lacey: Oh, Jughead. Lacey: Have you heard about Dog River Days? Hank: Ah yeah, we were living here before you. Davis: Who's Dilton Doiley? I wanna be the big, big Moose. Lacey: Fine, you're the Moose. I heard that Dog River Days has been cancelled. Hank: That stinks. Lacey: Fitzy says it loses money every year because there's no interest. People have lost interest in Dog River Days. Can you imagine? Davis: Who's Moose's girlfriend, Madge? Hank: Midge. Davis: Ah, she's cute. Hank: She's hot. Davis: Yeah. Lacey: Aw. Karen Pelly: Oh, she's got nice hair. Oh, she's got real nice hair. Oh... Wanda Dollard: OK, are you gonna buy that magazine or are you just going to make Merv Griffin noises all day? Karen: I'm thinking of softening up my cop look with some highlights. What do you think? Wanda: I think it would be a highlight if you bought something. Karen: Someone could trip on these! Wanda: You kick it, you bought it. Karen: I almost slipped on those cans. Brent Leroy: Wanda. Wanda: I already yelled at her. Brent: No, pick up the cans. Wanda: Whose side are you on? Emma Leroy: Look at what those stray cats do. Oscar Leroy: They plant flowers? Emma: No, they run around in the dirt and poop everywhere. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Emma: Why are you laughing? Oscar: You said "poop." Why don't you catch it? Emma: I'm allergic to cats. Oscar: Still? All right, I'll take care of it. I'll need some rope, a burlap sack and some rocks. Emma: Don't kill it. Oscar: How'd you know I was gonna kill it? Emma: Lucky guess, just catch it. Oscar: So, you want me to catch it but keep it alive? Emma: Yes. Oscar: A cat? Emma: Yes. Oscar: All right. I'll need some string, a box and some cat poison. Lacey: Thank you everyone for coming to the Save Dog River Days committee. Hank: Should someone take a roll call? Davis: You're just being bureaucratic. Lacey, can I take minutes? Lacey: Our first order of business is... Hank: I second that. Lacey: What? Hank: Every motion should have a second. Davis: Don't be so formal. Chair recognizes Lacey. Hank: Why are you the Chair? Lacey: We have to raise money so that we can save Dog River Days. Hank: I got it. I propose a dunk tank. Lacey: I don't think that... Hank: All in favor? Davis: Second. Hank: Motion carried. Davis: Move to adjourn. Hank: Second. Davis: Motion carried. Lacey: I... Brent: Oh... Wanda: Hey, Brent. Brent: Ow! Wanda: Have you seen my crossword? Brent: Ow. Wanda: Maybe I left it in the Ruby. Brent: Ow! Wanda: I can't concentrate with you moaning like that. Brent: I stepped on one of these cans you neglected to stack and I hurt myself. Wanda: Ha, ha, ha. Nice try Brent, but you're not much of an actor. I mean, oh sure, you're an entertaining personality with a certain likability but not an actor. Brent: I'm not faking, how could I fake this? Ow, the pain! Wanda: Oh, OK um, just, just hang on, I'm going to go get some help. Now that was acting. Oscar: Here kitty, cat, cat, cat. I got some food for you...gotcha! Ha, so you're the one who's been messing up all over the garden. You're just a cranky old tom cat, aren't you? You kinda remind me of me. Hank: Step aside for the dunk master. Davis: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I scored the tank. My tank, my dunk. Hank: That's not fair. Lacey: OK, how about I pick a number, you guys guess, closest one wins. Hank: 5,287. Davis: Four. Lacey: It was five. Hank: Oh man, I never win at this. Davis: All right. Brent: I'm fine, I'm good, I got it. Please stay seated. Wanda: Where were you? Brent: I was at the doctor. Said it was one of the worst can-related injuries he's ever seen. Wanda: Sorry, you say you injured your can? Brent: My leg on a can. I said to the doctor, I said "It's a good thing I fell and not one of my customers." And he said "Well I wouldn't blame you if you sued that employee of yours." And I said "No, no, no. I'm sure she's feeling guilty, she's learned her lesson and next time she won't ignore her boss' request." Wanda: The end, I hope. Brent: Yeah well, I'll just hobble over here. Oh! Wanda: I thought you hurt your other foot? Brent: Yeah well, they both hurt now. Doctor said that could happen. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. I think I'll call you Mr. Mittens. Emma: Oscar? Oscar: That's Emma. She wants me to kill ya. But you seem like a good guy. So, you get out of here and don't come back. Shoo, shoo! Emma: What happened? Did the cat run away? Oscar: Yeah, he got away and we'll never see him again. Have you been chopping onions? Lacey: What's the deal? Davis: I think that people are just intimidated to dunk me. Maybe because I'm a cop and all. Lacey: I'm not. Davis: Whoo, hoo, hoo. It' cold, it's cold, it's cold. Lacey: Hank, you're in. Hank: OK, let me show you how this is done. Wanda: Hank's in the dunk tank? Lacey: Yep, it's a buck a ball. Wanda: Here's a fifty. Lacey: Whoo. Wanda: Hey everybody, Hank's getting dunked. Davis: That's no fair. Wanda: Heads up. Hank: Whoo! Oscar: What's going on? Emma: The cat came back. Oscar: I thought he was a goner. Emma: No, the cat came back. Karen: Ah, he just couldn't stay away. Oscar: You got him in there, do you? Got him nice and tight, so he stays put. Hate to have it open, like this, him get away. That'd be a shame...shoo, scram! Karen: Would you close that before the cat gets away. Oscar: Fine. Good riddance, Mittens. Emma: Mittens? Oscar: Yeah, he's probably got some stupid cat name like Mittens or Buttons or Boots. Wanda: Sorry I'm late. I was taking care of some very important personal business. Brent: You were outside dunking Hank. Wanda: Exactly. Some very important personal business. Brent: Well, not that you're back, could you go clean the stock room? I'd help but, ow. Wanda: I'm sorry, I can't do anything while I'm this worried about your ankle. I'm calling your doctor right away. Brent: Oh, we don't need to do that! Oh geez, ow! Wanda: Way to go, I just stacked those. Brent: Oh geez, my ankle! Call Dr. Clark. Wanda: Will do, right after I stack those cans. Brent: Oh. Davis: Here's a ticket for that noisy muffler. Oh, and by the way, I'll be at the dunk tank later today. Davis: You'll get this back when you have knee pads that fit. Oh, by the way, I'll be at the dunk tank later today. Davis: Emma, here's a ticket for rolling that stop sign. Emma: I haven't driven today. Davis: I know you've done it before, probably. Dunk Davis Denizen: Come on, we wanna dunk Davis! Davis: Sorry Hank, but when you've got it, you've got it. Oh, that's cold! It's cold. Karen: Hi. I found this cat in someone's garden. Will you take him? Wendy Carlyle (Pet Shelter Person): Oh sure. Oscar: Oh, hello Karen. Fancy bumping into you here. Karen: I saw you in my rear view mirror. You followed me here. Oscar: I was just making sure that you were doing what you said you were gonna do. Karen: Oh just admit it, you love this cat. Oscar: I do not! I can't stand him. I hate his little ears and his little nose. Karen: So, can you keep him? Wendy: Well, he'll stay here for a week and if no one claims him, he'll go to a better place. I'll go get you some forms to sign. Karen: Oh, I don't think I like the sound of that. Oscar: Mittens is in the prime of his life. Karen: Can you keep him? Oscar: Emma's allergic, you keep him. Karen: I can't, I don't have time to look after a cat. Oscar: The you look into his little eyes and tell him that. Karen: Mittens, I have something to tell you. You're living with me now. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Emma: I'm all for you trying to save Dog River Days but I wonder if this isn't a bit much. Lacey: Oh, it's just a little something to occupy the kids while their parents are at the dunk tank. Come on everybody, bounce it! Brent: Ooo, oh. Wanda: Look, I'm sorry you fell. And I'm sorry I kicked your ankle after you fell. I thought you were still faking it at that point. Brent: Ah-huh. Wanda: I'm sorry I made you walk all the way to the car and I'm sorry I tickled you while they were putting on the leg brace. Brent: Wouldn't you have figured it out by that point? Wanda: That is when I figured it out. Seemed pretty elaborate with all the doctors and nurses. Brent: And the swelling and the x-ray and the screaming and the sedative. Wanda: And I've been thinking. Since you really are injured and there is a lot of work to do around here and I am partly responsible for this, that, well maybe I should...bouncy castle! Brent: Almost had a moment there. Wanda: I want to bounce, how much to bounce? Lacey: Sorry Wanda, kids only. Oh, well still, really...oh! Wanda: Hold my shoes. Whoo! Brent: Aw. Emma: Come here. Here's your lunch. I mashed your pain pills into your chili cheese dog. I know how they make you gag. Brent: But why can't I go outside with everyone else? Emma: When your leg stops hurting then you can go play. Until then, you need your rest. Now, eat your medicine. Feel better? Brent: A little bit. Oscar: Who's a good kitty cat? You are, you are. Karen: I have to go back to work. Oscar: It's OK, I'll lock up. Karen: Just don't break anything. Bye, Buttons. Oscar: His name is Mittens. Hank: Hey everybody. Remember when I took up the drums and would only practice at night? How about when I decided to start raising ferrets and they all escaped? Or when I convinced Fitzy to ban alcohol on the May 2-4 weekend? Hank: You gotta understand, I built up too much ill-will in this town. I was born to annoy. Emma: Hi, Oscar. Where were you? Oscar: Just out and about, keeping busy. Go, go, go, do, do, do. Anyway, I'm off to take a shower. Emma: A shower now? Oscar: Yeah, I didn't have one this morning. Thought I'd get it in now. Emma: What's that on your neck? Is that a scratch? Oscar: Oh yeah, I slipped in the shower this morning. I wasn't taking a shower. I just stepped in it and then slipped so I thought "Screw this. No shower for me." That makes sense, right? Anyway, I'm off for a shower. Emma: Achoo! Karen: Do you want colour? Yes, yes. Chocolate Kid: Hello, would you like to buy some...why do you have a tinfoil hat? Karen: I'm highlighting my hair. This really isn't a good time. Chocolate Kid: Oh, I heard there was a crazy cat lady on this street. Karen: I am not a cat lady. Mittens, come back! Mittens, Mittens, I've lost my Mittens! Lacey: You're not supposed to have food in there. Wanda: Ah, lighten up. It's kids and candy, they go together. Caitlin: Can I have a bite? Wanda: Get your own. Lacey: All right, you know what? You've left me with no other choice. I'm gonna have to come in there and get you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jeepers, let me stand. What? Pretty hairy in there. Oscar: Have you seen my pants? Emma: What's this? Oscar: Piece of paper, so what? Emma: It's a receipt for cat food. Why are you buying cat food? Oscar: Because I'm a senior. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Emma: You can do better than that. Oscar: All right, the truth is Brent likes to eat cat food and he's not feeling well so I thought I'd treat him. That makes sense, right? Brent: Hey, how's it going out there? Sure looks like fun. Is anyone asking about me, wondering where I am? Davis: Nope, not really. Everyone's having too much fun. Brent: Not even in passing? Nobody said "It sure would be great if Brent was here. We should take him some cotton candy." Davis: Ooo, that's a good idea. I should get myself some cotton candy. You find me annoying, right? Brent: I do. Davis: Thank you. As annoying as Hank? Brent: Ooo, that's pretty ambitious. Hank: Hey guys. Just getting some water. When you're in the dunk tank as long as I am, it's important to stay hydrated. Here you go buddy, keep the change. Brent: As you can see, he's kind of a natural. Davis: If you're here then it's dibs on the tank. Hank: No, still my shift. Davis: Whoa! That must have been annoying. Oscar (phone): Hello. Karen (phone): It's Karen. Oscar (phone): Karen, I thought I told you not to call me here. What if Emma had answered the phone? Karen (phone): I would have hung up. Besides, I didn't know who else to call. Oscar (phone): You sound upset. What it is? Karen (phone): Mittens escaped. Oscar (phone): Now, now, don't worry, we'll find him. Then we'll all be together again. Karen (phone): When are you gonna tell your wife? Oscar (phone): She's not ready to know yet. If she found out she'd lose it. Mittens! Davis: Who do you want to dunk, me or Hank? Dunk Guy: We don't care. Someone just get up there. Hank: I'm going. Davis: Not before me you're not. Hank: Ah! Davis: Get off me! Hank: I'm the dunkable one! Ow! Dunk Guy: Let's just throw stuff at them. Dunk Guy (Woman): I'll go get some water balloons. Emma: Why did you stop my from hammering in my planting rods? Oscar: I thought you were hammering a cat. Emma: Ah, so you admit you have feelings for that cat. Oscar: It's complicated. Karen (megaphone): Emma, put down the shovel. Step away from the shovel! Oscar: It's OK. I like Mittens. I've been going over to Karen's to visit him. Emma: Well, why didn't you two take him to a pet shelter like you said you were going to? Karen: We did, but if no one claims mittens he goes to a better place. Emma: So? Oscar: How can you be so cruel? Emma: This is "A Better Place." It's a cat farm. Karen: They could have explained that a little better when we were there. Oscar: Well Mittens, here's your new home. Well, what are you staring at? Go on with ya. I never liked you in the first place. Now go. Is there an onion farm around here? Lacey: Get out of there, Brent needs you. Wanda: Oh, if it's about the keys, here. Take them. Lacey: No, you come out. Wait, you have keys in there? No, no, you can't have keys in there. Wanda: Geez, relax with the rules. No candy, no keys... Lacey: No! Wanda: Oh, OK. Now the key thing makes sense. Davis: Ow, hey! Come on now, this is starting to get annoying. Hank: Yeah, knock it off! We're getting wet. Dunk Guy: Well, we need someone to dunk. Lacey: Step right up folks and dunk the annoying gas station attendant who thinks she doesn't need to do what she's told. Brent: Out of the way, Freckles. I'm up first. Wanda: OK, now look. In my defense...ah! All: Yeh! Brent: I'll take ten more balls. Hank: Jeepers, sitting in that dunk tank sure made me hungry. Davis: Take it easy on those burgers Jughank. Lacey: Hey gang, great news. It looks like we raised enough money to have Dog River Days next month. Brent: But Betonica, we just had Dog River Days. Lacey: Oh Brentchie, that wasn't Dog River Days, that was just a parking lot fair. Wanda: I'm all faired out. Davis: You said it Widge. Wanda: Right on, Dilton. Davis: Moose. Hank: Well gosh, what are we gonna do with all that money we raised? Lacey: Why don't we throw a dance? Wanda: Can we hire a band? Brent: We don't we ask Craig Northey from the rock 'n roll group, the Odds. Craig Northey: Sounds fun! We were looking for a place to practice anyway. Odds: I don't know the same things you don't know. I don't know, I just don't know. Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, it's a great big place. Full of nothing but space. And it's my happy place. Brent: What the hell was that? I better lay off the pain pills for a while. Category:Transcripts